In Beijing’s first Humanoid Robot Half-Marathon, most robotic runners barely left the starting line, with only six finishing and the winner needing three battery swaps and a wipeout to get there. If this is the future of sports, humans can relax — our jobs as slow, sweaty runners are safe for at least another decade.

An American YouTuber risked five years in an Indian prison after illegally landing on North Sentinel Island and trying to befriend its famously hostile tribe with a whistle, a coconut, and a Diet Coke. Unfortunately, the tribe didn’t bite — but some local fishermen did, serving him up to the cops faster than you can say “Share a Coke and a snitch.”

A Chinese man landed in the hospital with a lung infection after repeatedly sniffing his own dirty socks, essentially turning his chest into a petri dish of foot funk. If his insurance makes him foot the bill, it might finally break him of his sole-crushing habit.

In Kansas, a babysitter discovered that the “monster” under the bed was actually a 27-year-old man with a criminal record and terrible hiding skills. Now, thanks to him, one kid’s future budget may include a trillion-dollar line item for night lights and therapy.

In Florida, a man posing as an Orlando Magic rep swiped $770,000 in diamond earrings, then swallowed them during a traffic stop in a last-ditch bid to hide the evidence. Two weeks later, police recovered the “brown jewels,” proving that crime doesn’t pay — but it can have a really gross return policy.

In China, a 26-year-old man makes $6,400 a month carrying tired women up the last 1,000 steps of Mount Tai like a fireman with a Fitbit. It’s part fitness, part trust fall — except instead of catching you, he’s literally hauling you (and your real weight) to the summit.

A top UK comedy club is banning Botoxed audience members after comics complained they couldn’t tell if the crowd was laughing or just frozen in time. Now patrons will face an “expression check” at the door — because in comedy, a blank stare is the harshest heckle of all.

Four Californians tried to scam insurance companies by faking bear damage — only the “bear” was just a human in a fuzzy costume. Their $150,000 payday ended when experts noticed the state’s wild bears aren’t brown, proving even cavemen know not to mess with Geico’s cousins.

In Paris, two homeless men stole a wallet, bought scratch-off tickets with the credit cards, and improbably won $523,000 — only to realize cashing in could land them in jail. Now the wallet’s owner is offering to drop charges for half the prize, turning their lucky break into the weirdest game of Let’s Make a Deal.

Robots are now spinning DJ sets in nightclubs and calling balls and strikes in Major League Baseball, proving no job is safe from the rise of A.I. At this rate, your next therapist might be a Terminator telling you to “come with me if you want to heal.”

In the UK and Ireland, Domino’s is giving away bottles of pepperoni-scented perfume so pizza lovers can smell like their dinner long after it’s gone. Because nothing says romance quite like eau de greasy cheese with top notes of hot cured meat.

Kendrick Lamar just won five Grammys for a diss track aimed at Drake, turning their decade-old feud into the musical equivalent of losing an argument in public and watching the crowd cheer your opponent. Twelve years later, Drake’s ego isn’t just bruised — it’s basically on the injured reserve list.